meli-mello

This photo pretty much sums up the difference in personalities.

As I was writing my previous blog post I realized that I haven’t taken the time to think about goals or resolutions for 2013. The reason for this is rather obvious since I know that this year is going to consist of sleep deprivation and non-stop breast-feeding of baby #3 (by choice) and I hadn’t really thought beyond that.

However, I feel that is unhealthy to get complacent and obviously so much more is going to go on this year that has nothing to do with a new baby. Moira will turn five and start Kindergarten in the Fall. Fionnuala will turn three and will be at preschool in the Fall (I’m really looking forward to the Fall – probably to an unhealthy degree). Baby #3 will hopefully learn to nap in his/her car seat and anywhere else we end up since it will constantly be on the move following after his/her big sisters.

Of course there will also be gardening and hanging out on the front stoop as soon as the weather permits. We are looking into getting a second bathroom put into the house which I suspect will take up a big chunk of our summer. Mostly I’m just interested in seeing what our new balance is going to be like and taking it from there. Still, I would like to have a couple of goals in place no matter how lofty or unattainable they may seem in a year overshadowed by the appearance of a new baby.

This pregnancy has been a lot of things but inspiring in terms of creativity or writing hasn’t been one of them. I feel as though my brain has been mush since July and other than just coping (barely at times) it seems as though I’ve got not much to show for the last nine months. (Yeah yeah, I know: just a small human being I’m growing inside of me).

In fact, I’ve been rather depressed but it’s a situational/hormonal depression I haven’t really wanted to talk about. I have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband/partner/best-friend and two wonderful children. I keep repeating this to myself knowing it is true but it hasn’t stopped the crying jags on the couch or my spectacular lack of mothering skills lately.

It is so easy to lose your filter with the instant gratification that social media brings but I promised myself I wouldn’t use Twitter or Facebook to air all of my problems and I think I have been rather good with that. I have a couple of friends I can vent to and, of course, the Mister. Venting is good, over-sharing isn’t. Even with angsty venting texts I have to (figuratively) bite my tongue so I don’t sound like some crazy lady who hates her children (even if that is exactly what I am at the time).

So here I find myself at 35 weeks pregnant and less than four weeks to go before our scheduled c-section day. I was sick for most of December and am currently fighting off another cold and trying not to feel too sorry for myself. Things are pretty much ready for baby #3 and the girls are very excited and keep talking to my belly. I feel as though I am all belly these days and am terribly uncomfortable. I won’t lie – I hate being pregnant. This one has been rough and tiring and overwhelming and I am so ready for it to be over. And while I know it is easier to look after this baby while it is on the inside – I ready to meet it get on with life.

(That being said, I really want to get back to blogging so I’m going to try. Thanks to all who have sent e-mails and quiet encouragement over the last little while.)

Now, tell me what is going on with you because I need a distraction from myself!

I’m trying not to dwell on the fact that this baby was unplanned. In fact, this is going to be the only time I mention it. In some ways all our babies were unplanned (although we planned on having two at some point).

The truth is that I tried a couple different birth control methods and they all made me either ill or uncomfortable and I was contemplating what the next step should be when life made the decision for us. That is what happens when you rely on the baby-roulette method of birth control – you might know it as the fertility awareness method. (This is also what happens when you are really attracted to your husband and, well, everyone should have our problems). Whereas before getting pregnant I wanted the girls to be older before doing anything permanent with my body – right now I’m really, really looking forward to getting my tubes tied.

So, I’m trying to focus on all the good things that this means for our family even though I know that should anything happen to this pregnancy I would not be trying again – I would, in fact, make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant again. Ever. That fact makes me feel rather guilty. As you know – nothing is stronger than mommy guilt.

When I first found out I was pregnant my Mum gave me some very good advice: she told me it was okay to go through all the emotions and feelings of not wanting to be pregnant, not wanting another baby, and really really not wanting another c-section. Because in the end I will love this baby just as much as I love the girls (I’m not worried about that part) – it still doesn’t mean I have to like being pregnant. It’s okay to be freaked out by the thought that I am going to have three children when my mind was made up to only have two children.  At one point in my life my mind was made up to be an actress – until I started spending a lot of time on stage and realized I was in the wrong place. At least I’m good at being a Mum (most days).

Life, as we all know, rarely goes according to plan.

This is the #1 thing I keep telling myself: nobody ever says they wish they had fewer children. Most (older) people I’ve met tell me they wish they had at least one more. (Never take advice from anyone with small children – we are too sleep deprived and abused to think properly.)

This is the #2 thing I keep telling myself: At least I’m in the thick of it right now – and by “thick of it” I mean I’m already in young-children mode. I don’t have to get back into that mind-set. I hadn’t even given much baby stuff away yet. Although three children under the age of four does freak me out – I already feel like I am out numbered by the two of them most days.

This is the #3 thing I keep telling myself: Shut up and be happy. In truth, this is the third time we have gotten pregnant without planning it. I have friends/family who will never have children for one reason or another and I’ve always been grateful of my ability to get pregnant without having to try. I might be venting a bit on my blog but you will never – ever – hear me complain about getting pregnant.

Really, everything will be fine. Right? Even if we are out numbered?

These past couple months have been a real mixed-bag of emotions. My hormones are all over the map and my skin, like with all my pregnancies, is total crap. I’m pretty sure the girls are getting whiplash from my mood swings. One day I started dry-heaving and sobbing because the Mister was cooking with sage. (I still have no idea what that was about.) Things seem to be calming down a bit now – except sage still isn’t allowed in the house just yet.

I’ve taken a couple of days to think about this and have decided I am really going to do it. It is something I need and yes, if you really want to know, I think it is going to be really hard.

And lonely.

I started blogging twelve years ago for various reasons but I will tell you I was going through a very lonely time in my life. Or maybe I was coming to the end of that lonely time? I was in a relationship that at times was held together by my fear of being forgotten after putting so much effort into it. First I wrote obsessively in journals – and then I discovered the world of blogging. For the first time I had people to talk to while I wrote. It’s a lovely world at times but it can also be a bit much.

Twelve years is a long time in the blogging world – even if you have closed down numerous blogs and changed your name a number of times. As Steph at Bella’s Bookshelves mentioned in the comments on my last post the blogging/social media world is fickle. It takes time to build up a readership base and it takes very little to lose them. I’ve never been one of the popular bloggers and I’ve always been okay with that but I do appreciate every single person who reads my blog. At my best estimate there are approximately 12 loyal readers/commenters, two family members, a couple of my mom’s friends and two ex-boyfriends who pop in now and then but don’t leave comments. I am grateful to all who read – whether you comment or not.

However, somewhere along the way I’ve lost the thread of what I want to say. I’ve lost my focus. I get on the Internet and I open up a dozen or more tabs while trying to write a post and my attention span is pulled in a dozen different ways. I spend an inordinate amount of time doing nothing.

When I am away from the computer I think about the things I could be doing on the computer. I’m reading a book and the thought hisses slowly and softly in my mind, “check your e-mail.” I fight it for a while but as that snake hisses louder I put the book down and check. The Mister is helping the girls brush their teeth before bed and I turn to the computer. Why not fill those 2.5 minutes with pure nothing?

The Internet has killed my attention span – I have no one but myself to blame for this.

So how long am I going to step away from the Internet?

100 days.

100 days to break myself of what I feel is becoming a bit of an addiction.

100 days to relearn how to live with free time without filling it up mindlessly with checking my e-mail or blog surfing.

100 days is a long time in the blogging world but a month seemed too short. 40 days seemed too biblical and I’m not ready to start just yet so this isn’t a Lenten thing. 100 days seemed like it might be enough time to find myself again without searching the Internet to find who I am looking for. Sometimes the comparisons get to be too much – you know? The options too many.

So what will I do? Well, I suspect in the beginning I won’t know what to do with myself. Will I write or knit or sew or read? I will probably wander around the house a little lost. I fear I will be a little lost. Being on the Internet is a bit like having friends. I will miss the blogs I read all the time and wonder what is going on in the lives of others but it sometimes feels like I care more about what other people are doing than what I am doing and I need to get that back.

During this time I will hopefully be getting my second round of eye surgery and there is the garden to plant. I want to make some clothes for the girls. I want to make some clothes for myself. I have a whole house that needs purging and organizing and cleaning. I have a husband to hangout with in the evening. I miss holding a pen and writing letters.

This won’t be easy and it will take some preparation. No Internet means no obsessively putting books on hold at the library. It means no online recipes, sewing tutorials (that I have never followed anyway), knitting patterns or Internet shopping. In fact, I haven’t even thought of all the things it means. Obviously I won’t be able to give up e-mail completely because that is how people communicate these days but I am trying to decide the best way to limit that. Maybe twice a week? Only Sunday nights? See, instead of just letting go I’m already over-thinking it. How much do I prepare? Should I write down my favourite recipes or just wing it? What if the dozen cookbooks in my kitchen aren’t enough? What if I can’t sew anything from the hundreds of patterns in my basement!? (I’m joking here – see above about too many options.)

This all starts on March 1st and runs for 100 days. If I did my math correctly I will be back on June 9th. I will still be around here until then – still getting my Internet fix until I have the Mister change the password.