Still here. Still pregnant.

This pregnancy has been a lot of things but inspiring in terms of creativity or writing hasn’t been one of them. I feel as though my brain has been mush since July and other than just coping (barely at times) it seems as though I’ve got not much to show for the last nine months. (Yeah yeah, visit this I know: just a small human being I’m growing inside of me).

In fact, I’ve been rather depressed but it’s a situational/hormonal depression I haven’t really wanted to talk about. I have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband/partner/best-friend and two wonderful children. I keep repeating this to myself knowing it is true but it hasn’t stopped the crying jags on the couch or my spectacular lack of mothering skills lately.

It is so easy to lose your filter with the instant gratification that social media brings but I promised myself I wouldn’t use Twitter or Facebook to air all of my problems and I think I have been rather good with that. I have a couple of friends I can vent to and, of course, the Mister. Venting is good, over-sharing isn’t. Even with angsty venting texts I have to (figuratively) bite my tongue so I don’t sound like some crazy lady who hates her children (even if that is exactly what I am at the time).

So here I find myself at 35 weeks pregnant and less than four weeks to go before our scheduled c-section day. I was sick for most of December and am currently fighting off another cold and trying not to feel too sorry for myself. Things are pretty much ready for baby #3 and the girls are very excited and keep talking to my belly. I feel as though I am all belly these days and am terribly uncomfortable. I won’t lie – I hate being pregnant. This one has been rough and tiring and overwhelming and I am so ready for it to be over. And while I know it is easier to look after this baby while it is on the inside – I ready to meet it get on with life.

(That being said, I really want to get back to blogging so I’m going to try. Thanks to all who have sent e-mails and quiet encouragement over the last little while.)

Now, tell me what is going on with you because I need a distraction from myself!

  16 Replies to “Still here. Still pregnant.”

  1. January 9, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Having a 3rd child is often in my mind. Last night Tom said “if we win the lottery, we can have a 3rd”. ha. ha. ha. But my kids are older now (5 and 6.5) so having a big age gap like that and then a 3rd somehow I feel like it wouldn’t really be fair to the 3rd… or maybe they’d be fine being the baby all the time. I worry a lot about L&L’s school situation, too. I’m not impressed with the school they are in and working on making changes but then I have to think about how it would impact them in all different ways; are friends more important than a good academic environment at this stage? I don’t know. Everyone keeps harping about if you homeschool the kids don’t get the social skills and those are so important…and I’m getting a bit tired of hearing about social this and social that. In Kindergarten LB had to learn to distance herself from bullies without getting in trouble from the teacher for hurting the bullies’ feelings, how to defend her friend (almost physically) from verbal abuse… all of this at such a young age. And the teachers seem OH so very good at not noticing these things and then telling me their hands are tied as far as dealing with it unless they are told about it right away…. it just all gets so frustrating. But there are some good parents, and good kids, and people I like and I think maybe they make up for the other stuff she has to put up with, but then I hear about how other parents and kids don’t deal with this kind of stuff hardly at all at other schools…. it’s so convoluted I don’t know how to make the right decision or how to know when I do make the right one. People say “you are the mom, you know best” but sometimes I wonder HOW am I supposed to know when I know best.

    Woo. That is what is going on… in my head anyway. :o) I wish you a restful and comfortable (as possible) remainder of your pregnancy and a smooth c-section. Hugs.

    • January 10, 2013 at 7:49 am

      Well, I don’t want to push the 3rd child on anyone (although I think once this baby arrives things will be fine – it’s being pregnant that is making me crazy) but I don’t think the age difference matters so much. I think siblings are really important and there are 10 and 7 years between my sister, brother and I and I consider my sister one of my best friends even though there is a 10 year difference. Obviously it wasn’t that way growing up but it feels great to have that relationship now.

      As for school – I think it is worth it to research your options. Moira is going into Kindergarten in the Fall so I’ve been doing a lot of reading about the different schools around us. Not all schools are created equal so it is worth it to know your options if you are feeling uncomfortable. Obviously this is my first foray into the school system but I think it would be easier to change LB and LG out of school now than when they are older and more established. My parents switched me to a new school in the 4th grade and it was one of the best things for me.

  2. January 10, 2013 at 12:23 am

    i just figured out that if you are much too lazy to take something up the stairs in my new house you can throw almost anything into the hallway up top with an underhand, backswing hella-throw. having perfected it in the last five minutes, i may have pulled a back muscle.

    i’ve got two kids with gastroenteritis and was just at a friend’s holiday house on phillip island (where tiny blue fairy penguins parade up the beach every night – sooo cute!) so got to take one to an emergency doctor and decided to throw the other’s pyjama pants out after she poohed in them. now we are home and they’re screaming in the bath because they can’t share but that’s ok because the bunhead gets to deal with them, having had a wife-and-kids-free three days.

    it is summer here and the beaches are beautiful but we live in a holiday region (mornington peninsula, victoria, australia) so there are a tonne of bogans around and really, REALLY slow drivers who must think the road goes over the cliffs into the ocean at every turn so they need to basically stop around each curve. it’s really annoying. but not anywhere near as annoying as being really ready for a baby to get the heck out of you and needing your other children to leave you the eff alone for 10 minutes. i feel for you, melanie. bring that bubba home and good luck and good sleeps and good freiends and family who you can rely on to help you! i can’t wait to see the new little bub and hear what you name it… x0x

    • January 10, 2013 at 7:58 am

      I’m constantly throwing things down into the pit that is our basement (because that is where the laundry is). I’ve hired a cleaning crew to help scrub out the house (and germs) for the month leading up to the baby’s arrival and the woman almost went into a panic when she saw the state of our basement. She was very happy when I told her that I didn’t hire them to deal with the basement.
      Sorry about the girls being sick. Thankfully there hasn’t been any gastroentestinal diseases going around here (knock on wood) – just lots of snot and coughing. I was hoping M would make it to school today but decided she needed another day home. I suspect by Friday it will look a lot like Lord of the Flies around here (but with lots and lots of snow).

      Your comment made me laugh a lot – thanks for lightening up my day. And I do have great names picked out for the next one – or at least I think so.

  3. jac
    January 10, 2013 at 3:27 am

    Ha, two comments from Melbourne in a row! It’s good you can vent somewhere, and now there’s no record of you doing so therefore you can pretend it never happened 🙂 Looking forward to baby news! (from you, not me, oh god my baby is still a baby, right?…)

    • January 10, 2013 at 9:58 pm

      Yes – I would definitely prefer there not be a record of my craziness!

  4. Anne
    January 10, 2013 at 9:31 am

    I wish the next few weeks go by fast for you, but having been there I know they will only seem fast in retrospect. I am feeling very clever because I arranged to work from home today, so now I get to look at the snow rather than drive through it. We’ve been sick for a couple months as well, only recently have I started to feel better, and am ready for the next round that I’m sure is going to circulate now that all the kids are back at daycare after the holidays. Our baby is good, except she has developed the habit of hitting, biting, and banging her own head when she doesn’t get her way, we’re trying to figure out how to handle that. Ignoring her is the most effective, she can’t stand it when I ignore her. No new baby for us which hurts, but I still have hope that that will change soon. Hopefully. You know, hope. Can’t wait to meet your beautiful new baby, and to see you guys again. xoxo.

    • January 10, 2013 at 10:01 pm

      This sickness seems to have taken over the city! And I’m sorry about baby #2 – maybe when I see you this weekend I can teach you my sure fire way to get pregnant by trying to avoid getting pregnant. It’s worked 3x so far!

  5. January 10, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Wow! I am out of the loop!!! Congratulations on the pregnancy!

  6. wil
    January 10, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Glad you’re still blogging (at least occasionally). Good luck with the birth!

  7. Lectio's mom
    January 10, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Don’t feel bad about the crying – when I was preggers with Lectio I watched the Remembrance Day ceremonies and cried and cried and cried for all the war dead. Not to say they don’t deserve our respect, but I wasn’t even born when the war was on, but that year, hormones raging, etc. Another week I watched something on tv, it was funny, but probably not THAT funny, laughed and laughed until I had hiccups. Just take it as it comes, recognize it will pass, give yourself a pat on the back for loving your children and husband. I can’t fathom how my grandmothers managed to have baby after baby until they had 6 living children in all. That in the days before automatic washing machines and electric stoves and fridges. No wonder life expectancy for women was so much lower back then.

    On the subject of children and teachers – what is with them? Used to be if your child told, or if you as a mom told about bullies, you were a tattletale. Now the bullies’ feelings have to be considered? Bullies continue to bully because they know they can get away with it, and bullying children not taught to cut it out become bullying adults. I think this bull about the teacher’s hands being tied is a passive aggressive response towards the complaining parent. Bop them back! Tell them your hands as a parent are tied, as well, and if the teacher can’t “handle” the situation you’ll go to the school board.

    Everyone is wishing you the best, Melanie, thinking about you and your family, and Anne, we’ll keep you and your baby wish in mind, too.

    • January 10, 2013 at 10:05 pm

      I remember laughing so hard when pregnant with Moira and Fionnuala and hardly crying at all. I think I’m making up for it this time.

      I’m trying not to think about bullies just yet. Thankfully Moira’s preschool has been blissfully free of bullies but I think that is also because her teachers are quite established (I’m trying really hard not to say old but one has been teaching at this preschool for 24 years, the other has teenage children and doesn’t seem that old to me but has been teaching for a long time) and don’t put up with much. They know how to command respect in a kind way from a group of 3 or 4 year olds and it is wonderful to see.

      Thanks for your kind comment.

  8. January 10, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    Well, if it helps any, I was totally depressed, in a “black cloud of emptiness and uncontrollable weeping” kind of way for pretty much my entire third pregnancy. I’m not sure if it was the hormones, or the exhaustion from having one six-year-old drama queen and one energetic toddler, or the self-esteem-crushing company I was keeping at the time (a friend who has since been fired from the position), but I was a total wreck. It did pass, though, and I’m sure yours will too. I do hope you’re up for more blogging, because I miss you!

    Life around here is predictably busy. We’re in the middle of a blizzard which is supposed to hit gusts of 100 km/h overnight and dump 70 cm of snow or more before it ends tomorrow afternoon. The schools closed at lunch today and will, no doubt be closed tomorrow, so we’ll be all here, trapped. Many, many activities will be in order. And cookies.

    I’m trying to come up with some suitable anecdotes to give you a laugh but they all require too much background explanation and wouldn’t live up to the hype. Miss B has been going through all the ups and downs of grade four, and I’ve been teaching her the art of the eye-roll and the snappy comeback for dealing with boys who think the way to a girl’s heart is through constant pestering. Ah, pre-teen boys. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my boys are that age. Hopefully, having a sister who takes no crap will teach them a thing or two about how to speak to girls.

    Mark and I have been watching the first two seasons of Kids In The Hall on Netflix. I don’t think I quite realized how politically acute they were when I watched them as a kid – I just thought the swearing and the men in dresses were funny. Yeah. Comedy. It’s pretty much all we can wrap our heads around these days.

    I’m so looking forward to hearing all about this new person! I trust you have a list of suitably Irish names picked out?

    • January 10, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      Not that I’m happy you felt the same way during baby #3 but it does make me feel a bit better knowing I’m not alone. I think I got all the happy hormones during pregnancy #1 & #2 and this time I barely have a sense of humour. I think a lot of it has to do with dealing with a 2-year old. Moira was frustrating and very tantrumy (I like to make up words) when I was pregnant with Fionnuala but she was the only one I had to deal with. I think being pregnant while little ones are away at school would be much easier.

      I loved the stories you shared – especially about Bonnie and boys. She sounds so awesome. And yes, I have two lovely Irish names picked out (boy name and girl name) and kind of wish I could use them both – except for the fact that I am really glad I’m not having twins. : )

  9. Jen R
    January 11, 2013 at 10:21 am

    I am looking forward to meeting this baby!

    I’ve been taking my frustrations, at not being able to control my body, out on my house. Organization is one thing I can kind of control. I’m armpit deep in the annual January “we have too much freakin’ stuff” purge. I always start with the intention of getting rid of half the stuff in the basement, but I am ever the Girl Guide needing to Be Prepared for any potential activity that will need something we have. I hate re-buying things, and have many things tucked away that have been unused in almost 10 years (hello bolt of tulle from our wedding), in the event that I might use it someday (Evey might need a fluffy skirt sometime!!).
    We have so many piles of bins down there, I am afraid what our basement will look like after 25, 50 years of marriage. I tell ya, resourcefulness can also be a curse!!
    BTW, I can certainly attack your basement if you want. I fearlessly defeated our unfinished/dark/scary 1911 Bridgeland house basement more than once. I’m dead serious about this offer. (and I currently have a ton of boxes that could be put to good organizational use, ELSEWHERE)

    I really need to get “over” last year’s pregnancy loss, enough to take care of myself a little better and stop dwelling on what could have been. It won’t hurt to get myself back down to a healthy fighting weight. I just feel stuck, mentally, and am really fighting myself a lot on so many levels.
    Here’s to 2013, and the challenges it brings for everyone!

  10. Lectio's mom
    January 16, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Jen R – I’m so sorry to hear of your pregnancy loss last year. I don’t think we ever really “get over” such a loss, but it might help to allow yourself to love the baby as is rather than grieving what could have been. And give yourself some self love, too, for being a woman who loved and still loves that baby.

    A much older lady in our community, when I was young (back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth) told me that women defeat themselves all the time with “what if” and “if only” and that we would do a lot better for ourselves if we concentrated on “this is it right now”.

    Take care of yourself, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping your dreams come true.

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