Some days I want to tell everyone to go away and let me lay on the couch and read all day and maybe just eat Froot Loops if I feel like it (even though they give me a stomach ache). I don’t want to talk or answer questions and I certainly don’t want to prepare eleventy billion snacks or go to a playground or even be asked if we can go to a playground. I think this is the curse of parenting in some ways – once you sign up you are in for life no matter what your mood. Some days my mood is so black and foul I have a hard time understanding why the girls would want to be anywhere near me – and of course that kind of mood just makes them cling closer. I will even say truly inane things like, ambulance “why do you want to be near me? I don’t even want to be near me!”
I think of all the parenting/mommy blogs I used to read (when I had fewer children and more time) where it always seemed like fun things were going on and the moms were doing so much with their children and I have come to the realization – 5+ years later – that I don’t want to do that much with my children. Yes, I love them. Yes, I do enjoy spending time with them but No I don’t enjoy spending all my time with them. And while once upon a time I thought I would be one of those moms who wanted to hang out and do crafts all day I am decidedly one of those moms who does not want to do crafts any day and I think it is okay to admit this now.
I’m not here to be their friend, I’m here to be their mom and raise them to be adults we can live with and I think some days that must really suck for them. Because no matter how many times they ask I am always going to wash the dishes after breakfast before I agree to do anything with them. There is also a good chance that they will have to wait until I make myself a cup of tea – and usually the only thing I will agree to do is read them stories for a while before I feel the need to get up and do something else. Most likely that something else will be laundry.
I have turned to this blog many times in the last couple months and wondered what to write. I want to write but in my head I keep whining, “but I don’t wanna be a mommy blogger” even though I am so entrenched in mommy-ness I don’t actually know what else to write about. However, I can’t be one of those bloggers who is just so freaking happy all the time about being a parent and I also don’t want to be one of those parents who does nothing but complain about their children in an ironic hipster way just for some cheap laughs (besides, I’m not that funny). There is a fine line between over-sharing and being honest and interesting. In the spirit of being honest: this job often sucks but I know that’s more my problem than theirs – they are just doing their job which is to be children and all that entails.
Having that third child has put even more things into perspective for me and what it means to be a mother and maybe one of these days I will have the time to sit down and write about it in an honest and interesting, and hopefully not over-sharing, way.