In mourning or Pity Party, Table for One

I’m a mess guys.

February was spent exercising which was great except that when I am fully dedicated to exercising I seem to be unable to do anything else. Like write. Or blog. Or function as a person with more than one interest.

And then everyone got sick and it all got shot to hell. And then I got sick and now I am on week three of recovery and I still have a nose full of cold sores but at least my voice is back.

But I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything these days. I feel like I wander around doing nothing from the moment my girls leave the house until they come back for lunch – and then again in the afternoon. At least while I was exercising I got that done before wandering around the house doing nothing for the rest of the day.

I’ve tried to start meditating again and today I started a 7 Day meditation dedicated to anxiety and I couldn’t tell you a single word of it as soon as it ended.

My plans for going outside every day this year were abandoned early in the year because – let’s be honest – I hate the cold. It may be the 6th of April but my girls had to have indoor recess today. Do you know what the criteria is for indoor recess? -20 degrees celsius! MINUS TWENTY.

Mostly I just want to sit around and read crap, eat crap, and cry.

I have come to the realization that I am in mourning. Mourning for my breasts which I still have but probably won’t by the end of the summer (definitely not having them removed before going to Ireland). My emotions for this oscillate between being happy that I never have to wear a bra again and terror over surgery and what having a mastectomy means in terms of recovery. Also, I’m not looking forward to having hideous scars even if I can wear sun dresses bra-less for the first time in 20 years. As a 40-plus woman who is on the other side of child bearing (the downward slope of child bearing, because everything is now sloping downwards) it is hard enough to like my body without all the shit that comes with cancer treatment (like the painful face rash I was sporting for a month).

I try not to think about the – possible – upcoming mastectomy, except I have this large tumour in my boob that I can feel at all times reminding me constantly that there is a war going on in my body. Oh, you want to sleep do you? Sorry, we are just going to shoot sharp pains into your burning breast all night.

So yeah, I’m a mess and have been hiding away because I hate being all wah-wah-woe-is-me.

How are you guys doing? (And I mean that sincerely, I want to know how everyone is doing – good and bad. Don’t feel you can’t mention good things or bad things just because I’ve been throwing myself a month-long pity party.)


  5 Replies to “In mourning or Pity Party, Table for One”

  1. Melanie (booksfoodadventure)
    April 6, 2018 at 2:55 pm

    I would not call it a pity party. Makes it sound like you are fretting over nothing. I wish I could write a platitude of “it will be ok” when really that’s probably the most stupidest thing to write here (or maybe ever). So here is something I found helped me with anxiety: alternating nose breathing. A yoga technique and I follow the method by yoga with Adriene. Does not make me more productive but it slows the heart rate down and makes me feel less edgy.

    • April 6, 2018 at 3:03 pm

      Well, it feels a bit like a pity party to me when there are so many other good things going on in my life. I know I’m not fretting over nothing but I still feel like I’m “borrowing trouble” as the Ingalls would say since I am worrying about something before it happens. Of course, that is what anxiety is all about isn’t it – worrying about things that we have no control over anyway. *Sigh*

  2. Val
    April 6, 2018 at 4:09 pm

    I wish I could say something helpful or soothing. I can’t begin to imagine how scary and discouraging these things must be. But holy cow can I ever comiserate about the nose full of cold sores part. I so much as blow my nose more than twice and it happens. A few months ago one triggered nasal cellulitis, so that’s a thing too?! So fuck cancer and fuck cold sores! I really hope the weather starts to turn around for you guys soon. It snowed all day here so it must be even worse in Calgary. A coworker who’s from France asked today if this was usual for Canada. Hope it’s not the new normal :/

  3. Johanna
    April 7, 2018 at 6:22 am

    Hugs…. I wish there was something I could say or do to help but I realize that’s not possible. I do understand the anxiety thing and wandering around the house all day. I have done that at times. All I can say is be gentle with yourself.

    To give news of myself I went and picked up another part time job 5 months ago and now work full time hours… so far I am keeping it all together but that anxiety thing keeps saying nasty things in my head and it’s a constant battle to believe I am actually good at what I do… though I still think someone will let me go at some point for the fact that I’m just faking this grown up thing…..

    Big huge hugs for you ❤️❤️

  4. Jarvis
    April 13, 2018 at 11:14 pm

    Man, I find myself drawn to you and your family. I’m sure it’s because of the naked truth that you live. Real People are so rare and amazing. If you find yourself with some down time, I’m sure I could learn a lot from you over a coffee.

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