I’m trying not to dwell on the fact that this baby was unplanned. In fact, this is going to be the only time I mention it. In some ways all our babies were unplanned (although we planned on having two at some point).
The truth is that I tried a couple different birth control methods and they all made me either ill or uncomfortable and I was contemplating what the next step should be when life made the decision for us. That is what happens when you rely on the baby-roulette method of birth control – you might know it as the fertility awareness method. (This is also what happens when you are really attracted to your husband and, well, everyone should have our problems). Whereas before getting pregnant I wanted the girls to be older before doing anything permanent with my body – right now I’m really, really looking forward to getting my tubes tied.
So, I’m trying to focus on all the good things that this means for our family even though I know that should anything happen to this pregnancy I would not be trying again – I would, in fact, make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant again. Ever. That fact makes me feel rather guilty. As you know – nothing is stronger than mommy guilt.
When I first found out I was pregnant my Mum gave me some very good advice: she told me it was okay to go through all the emotions and feelings of not wanting to be pregnant, not wanting another baby, and really really not wanting another c-section. Because in the end I will love this baby just as much as I love the girls (I’m not worried about that part) – it still doesn’t mean I have to like being pregnant. It’s okay to be freaked out by the thought that I am going to have three children when my mind was made up to only have two children. At one point in my life my mind was made up to be an actress – until I started spending a lot of time on stage and realized I was in the wrong place. At least I’m good at being a Mum (most days).
Life, as we all know, rarely goes according to plan.
This is the #1 thing I keep telling myself: nobody ever says they wish they had fewer children. Most (older) people I’ve met tell me they wish they had at least one more. (Never take advice from anyone with small children – we are too sleep deprived and abused to think properly.)
This is the #2 thing I keep telling myself: At least I’m in the thick of it right now – and by “thick of it” I mean I’m already in young-children mode. I don’t have to get back into that mind-set. I hadn’t even given much baby stuff away yet. Although three children under the age of four does freak me out – I already feel like I am out numbered by the two of them most days.
This is the #3 thing I keep telling myself: Shut up and be happy. In truth, this is the third time we have gotten pregnant without planning it. I have friends/family who will never have children for one reason or another and I’ve always been grateful of my ability to get pregnant without having to try. I might be venting a bit on my blog but you will never – ever – hear me complain about getting pregnant.
Really, everything will be fine. Right? Even if we are out numbered?
These past couple months have been a real mixed-bag of emotions. My hormones are all over the map and my skin, like with all my pregnancies, is total crap. I’m pretty sure the girls are getting whiplash from my mood swings. One day I started dry-heaving and sobbing because the Mister was cooking with sage. (I still have no idea what that was about.) Things seem to be calming down a bit now – except sage still isn’t allowed in the house just yet.