How I’m really feeling about baby #3 (since a couple people have asked)

I’m trying not to dwell on the fact that this baby was unplanned. In fact, this is going to be the only time I mention it. In some ways all our babies were unplanned (although we planned on having two at some point).

The truth is that I tried a couple different birth control methods and they all made me either ill or uncomfortable and I was contemplating what the next step should be when life made the decision for us. That is what happens when you rely on the baby-roulette method of birth control – you might know it as the fertility awareness method. (This is also what happens when you are really attracted to your husband and, well, everyone should have our problems). Whereas before getting pregnant I wanted the girls to be older before doing anything permanent with my body – right now I’m really, really looking forward to getting my tubes tied.

So, I’m trying to focus on all the good things that this means for our family even though I know that should anything happen to this pregnancy I would not be trying again – I would, in fact, make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant again. Ever. That fact makes me feel rather guilty. As you know – nothing is stronger than mommy guilt.

When I first found out I was pregnant my Mum gave me some very good advice: she told me it was okay to go through all the emotions and feelings of not wanting to be pregnant, not wanting another baby, and really really not wanting another c-section. Because in the end I will love this baby just as much as I love the girls (I’m not worried about that part) – it still doesn’t mean I have to like being pregnant. It’s okay to be freaked out by the thought that I am going to have three children when my mind was made up to only have two children.  At one point in my life my mind was made up to be an actress – until I started spending a lot of time on stage and realized I was in the wrong place. At least I’m good at being a Mum (most days).

Life, as we all know, rarely goes according to plan.

This is the #1 thing I keep telling myself: nobody ever says they wish they had fewer children. Most (older) people I’ve met tell me they wish they had at least one more. (Never take advice from anyone with small children – we are too sleep deprived and abused to think properly.)

This is the #2 thing I keep telling myself: At least I’m in the thick of it right now – and by “thick of it” I mean I’m already in young-children mode. I don’t have to get back into that mind-set. I hadn’t even given much baby stuff away yet. Although three children under the age of four does freak me out – I already feel like I am out numbered by the two of them most days.

This is the #3 thing I keep telling myself: Shut up and be happy. In truth, this is the third time we have gotten pregnant without planning it. I have friends/family who will never have children for one reason or another and I’ve always been grateful of my ability to get pregnant without having to try. I might be venting a bit on my blog but you will never – ever – hear me complain about getting pregnant.

Really, everything will be fine. Right? Even if we are out numbered?

These past couple months have been a real mixed-bag of emotions. My hormones are all over the map and my skin, like with all my pregnancies, is total crap. I’m pretty sure the girls are getting whiplash from my mood swings. One day I started dry-heaving and sobbing because the Mister was cooking with sage. (I still have no idea what that was about.) Things seem to be calming down a bit now – except sage still isn’t allowed in the house just yet.

17 Responses to How I’m really feeling about baby #3 (since a couple people have asked)

  1. THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT IN LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE ABOUT SAGE. Mary wanted and Laura did not, and got pissy about it.

    Everything will be fine. Everything. I envy you and your family. Your girls will always have each other. (I’m having a hard time remembering why I didn’t want kids because I love them all so much!)

    • That’s right! I forgot about the sage fight. My stomach feels icky just thinking about sage right now.

      And if you were at my house this weekend you would remember why you don’t want kids. Seriously. Being a favourite Aunt has benefits. I also think it is important for the girls to be surrounded by people who love them but don’t want children – it’s good to realize that the world is made up of all sorts of people.

  2. Sage! Who knew. Obviously not the right name for this little boy/girl ;)

  3. I hope things go smoothly as can be. Your post has me thinking about something kind of similar but not: I’ve made such a stink about not having another kid so now when the thought momentarily crosses my mind that another baby wouldn’t be “so bad” I actually feel guilty for insisting I don’t want another. Seriously. The mommy guilt. Sigh.

    • I kept insisting that we were done too and I think part of why I feel so weird about the whole thing is that I’m embarrassed to admit that we are now having another baby. But in the long run – who is going to remember? Because I’m certainly not going to bring it up once the baby is born!

  4. The only regret I have in my middle-aged years is not having had a third child. If I’d had a third Lectio would have a sibling today. I was an “accident” baby, my parents were in their 40’s when I was born. There were some complications and my mother was offered an abortion, almost unheard of in Quebec in the 1950’s. She toyed with the idea, mainly because she didn’t want a second child at stage in life, my father would not hear of it, so here I am. It was that close – I understand the discussion on both sides of the abortion debate, but speaking as one who was almost aborted, I am so glad to be alive! I looked after kids when Lectio was little, had a houseful of 5 snotgurggles in total – you adapt, you become deaf to the din, you love them all. No question about it, parenting is tough work, long hours, daily sacrifice. You mom gave you very good advice, allow yourself your feelings, in the end you’ll rise to the occasion. You’re a good mom, never forget that!

  5. Your mom is a wise woman.

  6. Would it be of some comfort to know that when I found out I was pregnant with Eleanor, I cried my heart out and immediately sent Mark out for a bottle of whiskey? For me, getting pregnant just when I was starting to feel like myself again seemed too horrible. And yet, now that she’s here, I love Eleanor with a ferocity I have never felt before – not more than the other kids, but more fiercely, probably because I know she’s going to be my last baby. Being outnumbered is hard, but you’ll handle do great. No guilt! Mother guilt is a tool society uses to keep us down! You are not only capable, you are magnificent!

  7. hugging you, lovely post and wonderful honesty x x

  8. I’m still going to congratulate you because, of course! It will all be not only fine but wonderful. You’ll see. You’re right, nobody ever says they should have had fewer kids, nor do you regret that beautiful little being once s/he’s here. The abstract, now, is easy to wrestle with, so just flow with it. I know, I’ve been there. My surprise baby is in my lap as I type this. :) Also, don’t let sage back in the house, anyway – sage is effective at drying up lactation. So it is an evil, evil leaf. ;) I only allow it in stuffing alongside a yearly turkey dinner, otherwise it is unwelcome for being anti-milk-making! Heh.

  9. Also, in case nobody has ever told you this, if you really, really do not want another C-section… well, don’t have one. You *can* have a VBA2C if you want it, but you’ll need to get working that angle now. LMK if you want more info or direction. If not, that’s cool too, and I would support your decision either way. :) xo

  10. I have no doubt it will be fine! I’m sure you’ll find new reserves of patience and energy and time-management, and being in the thick of it definitely sounds like the way to go, from what I hear. It sounds like your mom gives great advice.

    Plus (and I know this is beside the point, but…), your children are so beautiful.

  11. Did you get my email? Maybe I sent it to the wrong address?? I haven’t heard from you, so I thought I would drop you a line here.

  12. I think it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your feelings when it comes to children. It is so huge to have children that you have tried hard for, let alone the shift that occurs when they are a surprise. It sounds like you have some solid advice from your mother.

  13. Melanie!! Congratulations!! Who knew?? It’s so funny because I was wondering how you were doing and was trying to find your blog! I did – and look at the last post! WOW! Well, I can totally understand your fear and guilt and wild emotions. I found out not that long ago that I couldn’t have any more kids…premature menopause ….at 36. So as crazy as your life will be, I think that at the end of the day, it’s a blessing. (I remember us both saying one is enough!! lol) Everything happens for a reason. I think God was secretly laughing at me when I thought I could handle more than one…Hope all is well! Hugs…

  14. Wow! Sorry so late in reading this, but congratulations!! I have a few friends right now who have just found out they are pregnant when it was totally NOT what they had been hoping for and they are being honest about their emotional ups and downs as they come to a place of accepting that sometimes things out of our control happen. You are going to fare beautifully with three. It will be chaos but you will totally nail it. :)

  15. Congratulations! I could have written this post word for word one year ago. Unplanned third pregnancy, lots of feelings of guilt and worry…this was all me. I am here to tell you that it will be wonderful. Not easy (you already know that), but amazing and right. Also, I have found that going from 2 to 3 was way easier than 1 to 2. The older kids will play together Nd entertain each other, leaving you a little peace and quiet to nurse and enjoy the baby.

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