Dark thoughts and total honesty

This is the side of motherhood we aren’t supposed to talk about. At least, viagra sale from a lot of what I read every one is looking for the Oprah-positive side of things. The if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all mentality. These are the thoughts of motherhood that we are supposed to keep to ourselves. The dark thoughts. The why the fuck am I doing this? thoughts. These days this one pervasive thought keeps hammering home in my brain: I don’t want any more children. I mean, viagra sale I really don’t want anymore children. I am terrified of having more children. These two are more than enough for me – I don’t think I’m an organized enough individual to handle more than two children. I always thought it would be great to have a large family but now that I’m the person who would have to give birth and raise that large family I find I’m not up for the task. At all.

In the spirit of full disclosure here are some other thoughts that pop into my head:

  • Why is my daughter such a bitch?
  • This is why people shake their babies.
  • These children are sucking the life out of me.
  • Is the crying/whining ever going to end?

A friend recently wrote this to me on Twitter: From where I am sitting you sound pretty depressed lately. And I can see why she would think that. In fact, visit this if I posted all of my dark thoughts on Twitter lately everyone would start making phone calls to certain family organizations. But I’ve been depressed before and this isn’t it. Depression for me was not being able to get out of bed. It was crying all the time. It was not being able to eat.

I’m getting out of bed. I’m eating fine (all I do is cook) and I’m not crying at all – don’t even feel like it.

Right now what I think I am feeling is anger. I just feel so angry sometimes and I know it is born out of frustration because some days this job just feels so thankless. Moira entered her tantrum phase around 21 months and will be turning 3 soon. That’s over a year of whiny, screamy, bitchiness and yes, it wears a person down. Seriously. Can it just end now?

Now before you think I would actual harm a hair on either of their precious little heads here is a run down of what we did today, a very average day:

  • Made sweet potato, banana, chocolate porridge for Moira & my breakfast. Fed Fionnuala breakfast of rice cereal and apple blueberry mush.
  • Nursed Fionnuala.
  • Read stories.
  • Laundry and dishes (Moira helped)
  • Put Fionnuala down for a nap.
  • Played what we call the letter game where she pulls out a letter magnet and we try to think of all the words that start with that letter.
  • Played another game in Moira’s room, may have been the swimming game – she has take to wearing her bathing suit around the house all day and her bed is the swimming pool. I swear that child goes through four or five outfits a day.
  • Nursed Fionnuala.
  • Homemade fake mac & cheese for lunch. (Yay for nutritional yeast!)
  • Ground up some wheat kernels and made bread.
  • More dishes.
  • Let Moira watch The Berenstain Bears as a special treat because she saw it at the library yesterday and really wanted to get it. While she was watching I nursed Fionnuala, got her down for a nap (25 whole minutes!) and finished making the bread.
  • Read Moira stories and got her ready for ‘quiet time’.
  • Fionnuala woke up and wasn’t interested in going back to sleep so we hung out in the living room where she rolled and rolled and rolled and got lots of kisses. I made myself a matcha latte during this time and managed to spend a bit of time on the computer (this rarely happens during the day). More dishes.
  • An hour and a half later I nursed Fionnuala and put her back to bed and then went and hung out with Moira because her quiet time was over. This time we definitely played the swimming game and Moira ‘read’ me stories.
  • Made two types of chickpea pancakes for dinner and dessert. More dishes. Mister came home during this time and took Fionnuala downstairs (she’s been crying a lot lately) so I could finish dinner.
  • Ate dinner, Fionnuala got fed, then nursed and we put her to bed.
  • Mister & I hung out with Moira in her room, helped her get ready for bed and I read her stories.
  • Collapse on couch where I have been trying to write this entry for the last 2+ hours but for some reason Fionnuala will NOT stop crying tonight.

So, despite my anger and frustration you can see that not only are my children doted on all freaking day long – they are also exceptionally well fed. I ground the wheat before making bread people! Can these children live a more charmed existence? So yes, I left out beat my children or scream at my children because I don’t do either of those things. Ever. Although I do admit to asking Moira this morning what the hell her problem is and what she wants from me because it seems like every thing I say is WRONG and that I need to be yelled at or whined at if she bothers to listen to me at all. I realize the futility in asking her these questions but I find myself unable to stop these days because she just cries all the time over anything and it is really annoying. So of course asking her these questions just made her cry.

A friend’s Mum said about Moira & her own 3-year old grand daughter recently: this is such a magical age but I didn’t have any patience for it at the time. I think that sums it up well. It is magical to watch them grow and change and experience everything but it is also frustrating as hell. I’m frustrated. The house is a disaster and I can’t be bothered to clean it when I spend all my time doing dishes. I feel like I don’t do anything for myself these days but by the time everyone is in bed and not whining or crying at me or making demands on my time I just need to go to bed. Last week my frustration level did get so bad that when the Mister got home I needed to just leave. I didn’t have any plans for where to go – I just needed to get out. I went to the mall of all the soul-sucking places but next time I will go to the gym burn off some of these frustrations.

I am clutching on to the hope that Spring will make everything better. I know it isn’t a magic button but being outside soothes children like nothing else I know – at least it always has for Moira. I just need a couple days where we can get outside, breath some fresh air and be distracted from our little world and petty squabbling for a while.

So while I wouldn’t change being a Mum for anything I do realize that some much needed changes need to be made in order for me to find more enjoyment out of this path that I have chosen.

Or maybe I’ve just been having a crappy couple of weeks.

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