Category: navel-gazing

Start as you mean to go on

I mean to get outside as much as possible this year and since it warmed up to -12 degrees Celsius that is exactly what we did.

It’s my 42nd birthday today. My third birthday since being handed a terminal cancer diagnosis just over two years ago (one month shy of my 40th birthday).

I’ve written about this before but it is worth repeating: having your birthday on the first day of the year is stressful.

Don’t get me wrong – I love New Year’s. Or more specifically I love a new year and all the hope and promise it brings. I realize that it doesn’t necessarily need to bring more promise than any other day of the year but I like a fresh start. I like to begin things anew – probably because I’ve been so terrible at completing things since I started having children.

I love making lists and resolutions and dreaming about ways I can become a better person – not because I’m a terrible person but I feel there is always room for improvement. But as the old year comes to an end my list gets longer and longer and it starts to stress me out.

I MUST BEGIN ALL THE THINGS TODAY BECAUSE IT IS THE FIRST OF THE YEAR AND MY BIRTHDAY!

Needless to say I have MANY goals for this year. One of them, of course, is to stay alive but isn’t that everyone’s goal whether they have cancer or not? It isn’t enough for me to just be content with being alive, that seems like a cop-out.

You know how people like to pick one word that is going to represent the coming year for them? I keep thinking about that and what I would pick. This isn’t my word for the year but if I were to make one major goal for myself this year it would be to start feeling things again. I find that with all the emotions unleashed when I was diagnosed with cancer I just shut off my feelings. Obviously not entirely. I still feel things. I still love my children and my husband above all else and show them all the time. But I have avoided writing anything with feelings (or much of anything to be honest), or reading books that were too emotional or watching movies that would make me feel things. Some people love to cry. I hate it. I can’t even remember the last time I had a good cry and I’ve got freaking terminal cancer! I did get a little weepy when we were cutting down the Christmas tree because it was such a beautiful day and I was just so happy to be alive and out there in the woods – but even that I shut down quickly.

So I guess that is one of my words for this year: FEEL all the things. No matter how uncomfortable those feelings may make me.

The other phrase that is kicking around in my mind is NO EXCUSES because I am terrible with creating busy work for myself in order to not get things done. And so much needs to be done. SO MUCH. This could be my last year you know? (I don’t actually believe that but so many women I sort-of knew with cancer died last year that it is, in fact, a possibility.) Although maybe a better word would be FOCUS.

Maybe that will be my mantra for this year: Focus and Feel. (Sounds a bit like a sex manual.)

The rest of my goals I’m keeping to myself for now.

Do you pick a word for the new year? Make resolutions?

 

This is 42. Not quite as glamorous as someone in a bathing suit showing of their amazing body on their birthday but hey, I’m Canadian and it is January. I won’t actually see my body until late spring.

 

(Also I should probably clarify that there has been nothing stressful about my actual birthday – it has been rather wonderful with a lot of love from my little family and amazingly thoughtful presents. All other stress is completely self inflicted.)

When In Doubt

This morning, during a late breakfast* I was attempting to read Flow Magazine and came across this article, “A Little Doubt Is Good For You.” It made me realize that a little doubt isn’t my problem. I think a whole lot of doubt is my problem. Do you ever feel that way? Like nothing you do is good enough? I… Read more →

Winter Sun

The weather was beautiful today so we went for a walk in the deep snow and enjoyed the winter sun. Most days it’s too cold for me to feel comfortable venturing out with three little ones but it’s a holiday and the Mister was home to help. I remembered that I have my Dad’s Arctic parka in the basement and… Read more →

Motherhood

Some days I want to tell everyone to go away and let me lay on the couch and read all day and maybe just eat Froot Loops if I feel like it (even though they give me a stomach ache). I don’t want to talk or answer questions and I certainly don’t want to prepare eleventy billion snacks or go… Read more →

Looking forward

As I was writing my previous blog post I realized that I haven’t taken the time to think about goals or resolutions for 2013. The reason for this is rather obvious since I know that this year is going to consist of sleep deprivation and non-stop breast-feeding of baby #3 (by choice) and I hadn’t really thought beyond that. However,… Read more →

100 Days

I’ve taken a couple of days to think about this and have decided I am really going to do it. It is something I need and yes, rx if you really want to know, sovaldi sale I think it is going to be really hard. And lonely. I started blogging twelve years ago for various reasons but I will tell… Read more →