As can be expected – due to my expecting state – I’ve been evaluating everything these days (Twitter, website Facebook – what are they good for?). I’ve mentioned it before but I miss blogging – but I think what I miss the most is writing about things that are interesting and not just writing about surface details, photos and/or my child. I stumbled across a couple ladies who were taking up the challenge posted by Shakti Mama to put yourself out there and do a self-portrait series and I thought… why not? To say I have felt unattractive this pregnancy is a bit of an understatement. I had to go back to wearing glasses after my much-coveted eye surgery didn’t work out as well as I had hoped. My face developed a rash the moment I realized I was pregnant and it is only now starting to go away. In a fit of annoyance I (poorly) cut off my hair on the eve of gaining 30+ pounds of pregnancy weight. My belly is stretched so tight that it is actually shedding skin like a snake and I don’t even want to talk about sleep or my tantruming toddler.
I mentioned this to the Mister a little while ago and he said, “So that’s why we haven’t hung any of the mirrors yet.” Which is kind of funny because I do, actually, like to have mirrors around. But he is right. This pregnancy feels more like waiting and coping than anticipating and I feel like I’m doing a disservice to #2 (but I also know that soon enough she will make her presence known and assert her place in our little family). I know some women love being pregnant but all I can think about is all the things I get to do once I’m not pregnant anymore.
These days when I look in the mirror all I see are boobs, belly and one slouchy tired mama.
But then something unexpected happened… I took these self portraits intending to capture what I see in the mirror every day; the tiredness, the rash, the maternity mask, the crap hair – but instead I was pleasantly surprised. Of course, I won’t lie, I did wash & condition my hair this morning (I’ve been experimenting with different natural and/or no-wash hair regimes and they have all frizzily failed) but it has been a long and stressful day and this is me at the end of it.
Maybe it has something to do with the great light and pretty blue walls in my new bathroom that the wrinkles and the patchy skin didn’t show up as much. Or. maybe I should practice being a little less hard on myself. I’m so concerned about raising my girls to have a positive body image that sometimes I forget the most obvious rule of all – it all starts at home. So, while I have the energy I want to participate in Shakti Mama’s self-portrait series and try and find a little acceptance within amoung all the chaos without these days.