I discovered that I didn’t want to go there so I turned around.
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Let me explain.
Even before all of your lovely comments (and I’ve tried to respond to many of them personally via e-mail because they did mean so much to me) I started to feel better about myself. Just the process of taking the photos and uploading them showed me that I didn’t look as bad as I thought I did. Granted my skin is a lot better than it was – but essentially just putting myself out there made me feel better. Over the last couple days every time I have looked in the mirror I’ve thought I looked fine – even good sometimes. And I haven’t done anything differently. In fact, viagra sale the first half of this weekend was rather awful because the Mister has been away on a four-day backpacking trip and I’ve felt isolated and exhausted looking after a crabby Moira who started waking up before 6 a.m. and stopped napping. On Friday I really overdid it by walking too far and for too long and paid the price Friday night when I was unable to move and all day Saturday. I’m large, I’m uncomfortable and I’m 35 weeks pregnant – all things I have to remember in my quest to keep Moira occupied and myself sane these days.
But I digress…
I grew up in a family where no one ever wanted their photos taken. I always loved playing behind the camera and got my first one in elementary school and, consequently, have a good photographic record of my school days until the end of university – but few photos of my parents or my siblings. No one was ever happy with the way they looked – and they still aren’t. The few attempts I have made to get everyone together and have a photo taken were met with lack luster enthusiasm, eye rolls or downright derision. The unsurprising result is that those photos always sucked. I remember looking for a photo of just my Mom and I last year and I found one. ONE photo – and it is from 10 years ago. I don’t want my girls to feel that way. I don’t want them to think that they are never going to look good enough – and I don’t want to feel that way anymore either.
After all, what is good enough? My family always looks great to me – we are all, in fact, good looking people. And so I’m going to put myself out there more – even if I have to take lots of self-portraits and even if they are posed in silly ways and I feel awkward doing it. It scares the crap out of me – but I’m about to give birth and have to two children under the age of three – what can be scarier than that? Self-portraits should be easy.
Also the lighting and wall colours in my new home are truly beautiful. If nothing else that is a good reason to take more photos.