When I was 19-years old I fell madly, head-over-heels in love. For the most part, at least in the beginning (isn’t that always the way it is?) things were great. We did the long distance thing for a year which was filled with romance, misunderstandings, heartbreak and countless love letters moving between provinces. The following year I uprooted my life, changed universities and moved to the same city as him. It was an interesting time, I often feel that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t and competing with something I couldn’t see or name. I often felt uncool, unworthy and I drank way too much and fell – although not realizing it until years later – into a anxiety-filled depression. We spent six years together and were considered the “It” couple amoung our friends (which really were just his friends) until I forced the point about where our future was going. Not for a moment do I regret the decision I made to tell him that by not wanting to make a decision his decision was clear and I walked out the door and out of his life (although it was quite the struggle getting to that point). In the end we wanted different things: he to move back to Montreal and continue being a rock/movie star and me someone who didn’t make me feel like spending Saturday night going to the movies was a waste of time or – and this was the big one – someone who didn’t make me feel like Jack Daniels or Jim Beam were higher on their list of priorities.
A year later the Mister and I started hanging out again and, well, I could gush on and on about how awesome the Mister is but this entry really isn’t about him.
The Mister doesn’t understand why I don’t hate *insert name here* but hating anyone takes up too much energy and the way I look at it we were just kids. He didn’t force me to try and be someone I wasn’t. He didn’t force me to drink too much. He just acted like himself and I molded myself to fit his life. It is easy to focus on the bad but there was much good and so I don’t talk about him on this blog much (or ever) because I am trying to live in the present. However, I promised myself that this was the year of Stretching myself and so maybe dipping into the past occasionally is how we help ourselves move forward.
Two incidents near the end of our relationship really stick out for me:
1) I was at an audition for something (I don’t even remember what) and just before I was about to perform one of the girls running the audition said, “Hey, I know you – you’re *insert name here*’s girlfriend. And I just froze. I was never great at auditioning anyway but for some reason that just threw me right off and I was awful. I honestly think that was my last audition ever.
2) I was at the house he was sharing with some friends and he wasn’t there but his roommate/best friend D was. D was on the phone and the other person must have asked him who was over or something because D said “oh that’s *insert name here*’s girlfriend.” And at that moment I knew I was half dead inside because you see, D and I had been friends since elementary school, he was the reason I even knew *insert name here* and we had just spent the last year making a movie together, he was talking to someone we both knew – and yet I still didn’t have a name. I started to feel like a supporting character instead of the star in my own.
Actually there is a third thing that sticks out in my mind. For our last Christmas together in spite of our poverty I thought he might get me something rather nice and meaningful. I’m not talking an engagement ring but you know, maybe something that promised a future together? Do you know what I got? A cheap vibrator and a steering wheel cover. Now, the vibrator was based on an inside joke but still, you know?
The Mister and *insert name here* have never met. In the intervening years my life has done a compete 180 and I could list off all the things that are different but the big one is that I feel like the star of my own damn life and that is all you really need to know. To *insert name here* my life has probably become exceedingly domestic which he was trying to avoid. His life has become, well, I don’t even know for sure because I broke off all contact but he is a minorly famous Canadian due to the fact that we made a rather well received movie that is now a Canadian cult classic. However, this Tuesday the Mister and I are going to a rock show and *insert name here* is in town for a theatre performance and I suspect worlds are about to collide. To be honest, if I knew he was going to be in town at the same time as this show I probably would have made excuses not to go but I don’t want to be a prisoner of my anxiety forever.
The typical thoughts keep flooding into my mind: why haven’t I been working out harder? Good thing I coloured my hair! Is this cold sore EVER going to go away? What can I wear that is hot and hides the baby flab? Can I get a hair appointment for Tuesday at such short notice? Is the Mister going to punch him in the face because he dislikes him by default? (He won’t – the Mister is a lover not a fighter.)
Shallow thoughts indeed but they prevent me from getting too deep. How am I supposed to feel seeing someone I once loved whom I now feel – at most – an exasperated sisterly fondness for when I think of him at all? Of course, that still doesn’t mean I don’t want to look completely fabulous. To be honest I don’t think these thoughts are all that shallow, I think they fall under the completely human category – and the human in me, in spite of not having any regrets, would still like *insert name here* to pause for a moment when he sees me and think: maybe the vibrator & steering wheel cover weren’t the best choices for a present.
So a couple questions for you:
What do/would you do when faced with the prospect of seeing your Ex?
And alternatively:
What is the worst present you have ever received?
um, what “baby” fat are you trying to hide excately??? You could always show up dressed in a large empty whiskey barrell with the letters XXX written across your chest, that should cover up the so called “baby fat” and he’d be sure to see that you remembered him….I’m all for mister punching him. I have a few memories of my own from that time period.
This is a very powerful post. For so long, I was really angry at one particular ex of mine. Oh, I know that feeling… Your post did scare me some though. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and am moving across multiple states to live with him. Of course, I’m 31 and you were 19. So, maybe it will work out better.
Thank you for visiting my blog. I can’t wait to read more of yours!
I think that having Mister and Moira in your life adds a realness and reality and depth to you (i.e. you beautiful radiance) you do not have to worry about what you wear. My advice about encountering your ex: Keep any conversation short. Don’t ask him about his life. Don’t tell him about yours. Act natural and witty. Show you still have an edge. All these things adds mystery. Only spend as much time with him, so that he knows you are at ease with the situation. Don’t spend enough time to start laughing. Laughing with an ex is dangerous. It reminds you why you loved him in the first place.
Hmmmm.
The worst present I received was nothing at all. He didn’t even phone to wish me happy birthday. He was living four hours away. When I phoned and was upset, he told me I shouldn’t care because birthdays weren’t a big thing for him. In retrospect, I cringe. Why did I do this to myself?
I’m friends with two of my exes, but I don’t talk to the third one. I’d be very nervous to see him, but I know that he is the one who lost out, and I know that he would be more scared than I would be if we were to cross paths. Boys can be such fraidy cats sometimes.
As much as I’d like to see the ex, and tell him exactly what I think of what happened, when I play it out in my head I know that it would serve no purpose. I think I would want him to admit all the wrongs, apologize sincerely, but I know that would never happen and I would leave the experience worse off. And the worst present: On Valentine’s Day he presented me with two magazines I don’t even like or read, was upset because dinner was taking too long, as HE HAD TO LEAVE TO GO VISIT HIS OTHER GIRLFRIEND THAT HE SWORE WAS JUST A FRIEND. But of course you don’t visit friends on Valentine’s Day now do you. Why or why do we do these things to ourselves? So glad its all behind!
take care!
Well my dear, I agree with your sister fully and completley (what baby fat)? lol In all seriousness though you couldn’t have gotten to where you are today without *insert name here*. You don’t even need to say anything to him. How you look today-happy, settled and confident shines through. This is where you were meant to be (just ask the Mister, he knew this 10 years ago ha ha ha). You have definitley come into your own….
True story, I saw my ex in Prince’s Island park as E and I were walking to River Cafe to announce our engagement to our parents. CRAZY. My instantaneous reaction was to grab E and hide behind a tree, ha ha. One awkward conversation I was NOT interested in having that day.
I will also second the ‘what baby fat??’ comment..
The best revenge is a happy and full life. Actually, revenge is not necessary. Just enjoy your date and it will all flow..
So, I ran into a very important ex as I was walking to Starbucks after my 9 week ultrasound and I was GLOWING both with pregnancy hormones, but also with total glee and joy. I looked so damn good and so when I saw him, we instantly exchanged a knowing look and as he told me about how he had LEFT REHAB for the 4th time and how he had completed his PRISON SENTENCE as a result, all I could think in my head was “dude, you fucked up royally when you cheated on me because you could have had THIS”. Also, it made me completely “let go” and there was no more pining for the could have been. Ever. And worst gift ever was from a previous boyfriend, ages ago, and he gave me A Jane Fonda workout tape. Said when it worked for me, he’d take me out to dinner. Ahhhh…. lovely.
i never knew i could do a search for your name in imdb…
i live in fear of ever having to meet my exboyfriend again, he would dissaprove of my tatoo, and my current lifestyle, but wait! he always dissaproved of me and my choices, isn’t that why I left him?
you should maybe pretend you don’t recognize him right away hahaha, that would hurt any egocentric…
I am ashamed to say that I try to avoid running into my most current ex at all costs — and this isn’t difficult, considering we live on opposite ends of town and don’t share the same friends.
The worst present I ever got was a book about feminism, and it was obvious that it had been a “regift.” I’d prefer no gift at all, to be honest. :p
LOVE this post. Wow. We really DO have a lot in common. A LOT. And I LOVE the “exasperate sister” description. I have been trying to nail that exact feeling in words for a long time. Good luck!
Never had a serious problem with any of my exes. I’m not still friends with all of them, but we’re at least on civil speaking terms. In fact, I’m going to Winnipeg on Monday to see Hawksley Workman and will be attending the concert with my ex of four years, who got married three days ago. I don’t think I’ll meet her husband – she told me he’s concerned that it might be too awkward, and I can understand that. A lot of people seem to think it’s weird that we’re still pals.
I don’t think I’ve ever had any truly terrible presents. Even the worst ones had good intentions behind them.
I did give Mika an electric toothbrush for Valentine’s Day one year. There was other stuff too but the toothbrush was the one that was most discussed, for reasons I can’t possibly fathom (winking smiley). She actually wanted it, though, so I figure that’s okay. Was funny, though – a few months back, my boss told me a story about buying his then-girlfriend an electric toothbrush, and when they broke up, she told everyone and made him look like a thoughtless jerk.
It’s true. I did want the toothbrush.
I don’t have problems with running into exes as I burn all of those bridges. To be grammatically incorrect, I burn them good. When I run into exes, they run away. In fact most of the people I’ve dated have moved out of the country after breaking up with me. I’m just that good (or at least that’s how I like to look at it).