Today felt like a productive day. I pulled out an old bullet journal and started a spread for this week. It was weird, and maybe a little sad, to look back at my old spreads and see my exercise schedules where I would have every day of the month planned to workout in the basement and do things like 90 Day something (I don’t even remember right now but I really liked it). Or my schedules of how many push-ups/planks/squats I would do which I did for quite a while trying to stay strong. Now, well we just won’t talk about how all of my muscle tone has faded away.
So, what do I need a schedule for? Lots of things really. Something to focus my mind and help me feel like I am contributing to this family instead of my husband feeling like he has to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. I know mothering is important so I don’t need comments about how I’m doing what I can. I know I am. But sometimes I feel less than.
Less than everything, really.
And now I’m starting another round of chemo tonight so we will see how all my plans work out this week once the chemo kicks in and I’m tired and nauseated.
Another thing I haven’t done in a long time is pull out my Literary Witches Oracle Cards. These are really fun. I’ve decided to pull one card a week to see what it tells me – or to see what I want it to tell me. *insert winky face here* The Virginia Woolf card is about developing a vision, innovation, and limitations. This was an apt reminder for me today since I am having to learn how to live with these new limitations that have been placed on me. My body is becoming increasingly limited and as a previously active person it is easy to fall back into the “if only things would go back to normal” frame of mind and getting depressed waiting around for something that will probably never come.
I think many of us are feeling that way these days. We are all under limitations at the moment with the Covid-19 pandemic isolation rules set in place and even when it is over what was once normal will not be the same. And who is to say it should be? I think learning to live with these limitations is making us be more innovative in some ways even if it is frustrating and born out of a necessity that no one really wants to embrace. What the world is going to look like when this is over and so many people have lost their jobs or whole industries are collapsing (tourism?) we don’t know yet. I certainly have no answers.
I don’t think I have a single Virginia Woolf book in this house. That’s kind of sad.
(These current blog posts are part of my #100dayproject and are written quickly and posted without significant editing. They are what they are, mistakes and all. Much like me.)