Reverb10: Body Integration

December 12 – Body Integration

This year, visit when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I found out I was pregnant shortly before Christmas last year – which means this year I have either been pregnant or nursing. They say the first three months after having a baby is the 4th Trimester and I believe them.

Did I feel integrated with my body? Well, I certainly took more notice of my body. I paid more attention to all the changes that were going on – most of which I didn’t enjoy to be honest. It isn’t that I had a hard pregnancy but I still don’t particularly like being pregnant – the sore hips, the constant need to pee, the expanding girth. Don’t get me wrong, the end result is great and it is a pretty spectcular thing your body is doing – but it’s the process I’m not really into. I don’t like the feeling of being akward and out of control in my skin.

And then after Fionnuala was born I was recovering from a c-section and unable to do much. One Sunday in October I thought it was time to start running again so I went for a swift 5 km walk. I felt like I was walking through molasses and when I got home I was shaky and tired and then sore for many days afterwards. When you are pregnant your body is not your own. When you are nursing your body is not your own. That’s just the way it is.

This body. This is not my body. I don’t expect the same body I had before and only time will tell where things settle and what my new body weight will be. But being sore and exhausted after a 5 km walk is not going to be part of the new normal.

Also: I can’t imagine I’ve ever had a moment when my mind isn’t trying to run the show and keep control. My mind never turns off – my ex-boyfriend used to say it was like a third presence in the room. But really, doesn’t everyone feel this way? Can anyone turn off their mind? That is one of the reasons why I like reading so much – it gives me something else to think about for a while.

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